Molly wrote this for an assignment in November. I found it on her computer and found it so funny and clever. I made her email it to me and I think that it warrants its own post here on this little blog so that it doesn't get lost in the world wide web somewhere. I fixed some punctuation but the idea and all the lines are entirely hers. I don't know where she gets her ideas but I am constantly amazed at the things she comes up with. So...drum roll, please...here is her 5th grade turkey writing...
Welcome to Choose a Turkeyyyyyyyyyyy
Host: “Do you want a high quality Turkey for a small price? Well,
dial 1-800-gobble-gobble and come on down! Here we offer many different types of Thanksgiving Turkeys, including the ones that do your housework, yard work, ones that entertain guests, ones that babysit, and anything else you could ask for. We even have a group of smart turkeys that can do your bills! Here at Gobble Gobble Farm, we take pride in our five star birds. Help jump-start our business and order a Turkey! Our first bird on the line is an elderly turkey named Mr. Ham. I’ll turn it over to you, Hammie.”
Hammie: “AHEM!" *Cough Cough. "I… Hello…”
Host: “Well, Hammie, tell us what your specialty is.”
Hammie :“Yes, yes, I love children. I love children. I once had three, but they went off to college, and they never came back for Christmas one year… I wonder…”
Host: “Hammie, stick to the script. We went over this.”
Hammie: “Oh! Yes. Well, I love children…”
Host: “We know!”
Hammie: “And I will entertain yours. For free! I can play a pretty mean game of hide-and-seek, and-"
Host: “Wait what?! For free! I am the owner of this company! I-"
Hammie: “Yes! Goodbye! I hope-"
Host: “Stop!”
Hammie: “To see you-"
Host: “Cut!”
Hammie: “On Thanksgiving Day!”
Host: “Ahem. Well, yes that was Mr. Ham, who will entertain your kids for… free. Now our next turkey is a teenager, named Cluck. She is very eccentric and-"
Cluck: “HOWDYYY! My name is Cluck, but you can call me Clucky.”
Host: “Yes, well Cluck, what-"
Cluck: “Clucky, Clucky, call me Clucky!”
Host: “Yes, um, Clucky. What is your specialty?”
Cluck: “I loooooooooove food! I love eating it, throwing it, and especially maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaking it! For Thanksgiving, I will make you an amazing dinner!”
Host: “Yes, and Cluck- Clucky, what types of food do you like to-"
Cluck: “Make?! Oh I loooooooooooove making food.”
Host: “Yes, Clucky, we know. Now, what kinds of FOOD do you MAKE?”
Cluck: “MAKE?! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE makin-"
Host: “Get to the point!”
Cluck: “Well, I make fruit foods, meat foods, veggie foods, including salads, soups-“
Host: “Now we’re talking!”
Cluck: “Pizzas-“
Host: “Wait, what? These are supposed to be nice, French-Italian foods, not all-American foods!”
Cluck: “Gourmet pizza?”
Host: “Seriously?”
Cluck: “Hot dogs, steaks, ribs-“
Host: “Oh, Brother.”
Cluck: “Kabobs, Hamburgers-"
Host: “Ugh.”
Cluck: “I can even order you take out! I specialize in Panda Express, Little Caesar’s, McDonald’s, Taco Bell (oh, I mean, ahem, Del Taco), and Arby’s! Any leftovers? Well, I got you covered! I am even the gal who starts food fights! Yeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaah!”
Host: “Ohhhhh nooooo! Goodbye Cluck!”
Cluck: “Clucky.”
Host: “YES, YES NOW, GO!”
Cluck: “Pick me, for Thanksgiving Oookay!”
Host: “That
was CluckcallherClucky. I highly er… recommend her. Our next contestant is a
middle aged man called Bruno. He is a Butler… and boring. Uh, don’t actually say that on the camera. Just go!”
(Classical music.)
Bruno: “At any residence that I have been a Butler in they have loved me for my neatness.”
Host: “Yes, finally, someone who sticks to the script!”
Bruno: “And my winning personality!”
Host: “Clucky, you’re the new host. Have fun.”
Cluck: “Oh, goodie!”
Bruno: “I
can make any cleaning job a fun party. Like Mary Poppins once said, ‘A spoon
full of sugar helps the medicine go down!’”
Cluck: “Oh,
I just love Mary Poppins!”
Bruno: “And as Neal Armstrong once said, ‘One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.’”
Cluck: “Ooooooooh, SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIUOS…”
Bruno: “And
as Patrick Henry once said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death!’”
Cluck: “EVEN THOUGH THE SOUND IT MAKES IS SOMETHING QUITE ATROCIOUS!”
Bruno: “And as John Hancock once said, ‘There, I guess King George will be able to read this.’”
Cluck: “IF YOU SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH, YOU’LL ALWAYS SOUND PRECOCIOUS!’”
Bruno: “Goodbye, and thank you America!”
Cluck: “SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!”
Bruno: “Pick me for Thanksgiving!”
Cluck: “And THAT, folks, was Bruno Wattle, the Butler! Wow, doesn’t he sound fun to have around the holidays?”
Host: “Is he done?”
Cluck: “Ooh! Goodie, it’s the old host. I’ll turn it back over to you, Daisy.”
Host: “That’s not my name! It’s my middle name. Besides, I’m too busy eating this ham sandwich.”
Cluck: “Wait, Daisy, I mean Petunia, I specialize in food. I love throwing it, eating it, and especially-"
Host: “We know!”
Cluck: “Well, ahem, what I was saying was that that doesn’t look like ham. And sandwiches from Subway always have the flavor printed on the side of the wrapping. This one says- OH! Could this be true? It says ‘T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-'”
Host: “Spit it out, Cluck!”
Cluck: “Clucky.”
Host: “You’re the only one that can read!”
Cluck: “It says ‘TURKEY!’”
Host: “Ahhhhhhhhh!”
Cluck: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Host: “Clucky, you’re yelling right in my ear.”
Cluck: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Host: “That’s better! Wait, why am I whispering? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The end!
Host: “And THAT, folks, is my scary story for Thanksgiving! It’s an old folk tale that I heard down at the butcher shop. He he, EATING turkey for THANKSGIVING?! PEhLEASe! But all scary thoughts aside…let’s get started. Do you need a Thanksgiving Turkey? Well, we got you covered. Come on down to Gobble Gobble Ranch, and order your Thanksgiving Turkey. Now, our first worker is an elderly Turkey named Mr. Bacon. I turn it over to you.”
Mr. Bacon: “I love children…”
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